If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

why?

I know i seem to blog alot, maybe because i don't tell people my problems nor talk to people that much on weekends. Maybe i just need to let it all out. Maybe i'm just desperate for someone to understand. I just need somewhere to put all my problems down, in words. Everythings bottled up inside me, i know it isn't good. But seriously i wish i could just die in my sleep. Tell me, what future do i have? none.

Maybe i shouldn't let too much of my life be seen by the world. Its too depressing to be seen. I feel like i'm wading in sticky mud, and you know just how difficult it is to walk in mud. Every single step is treacherous, tiring, painful. I don't even have the energy to shed anymore tears. Just watch the days past, but its scary. My Eom is due soon. how? I can't find any articles. how? My program notes is due soon. how? Can i just leave this world. I don't want to do any of these pointless things anymore. I want it all to end.

It seems selfish doesn't it. That everyone around you would be hurt and even angry. But as time passes by would they even remember an insignificant being like me, who just occupies more space on this earth and use up more resources? No. they wouldnt. They wouldn't remember at all and might rejoice in the end.

More rehearsals next week. More things to worry about next week. And i just can't do implicit differentiation. And i will just continue to force myself to listen during lectures draining more energy. And i will continue to force myself to be one tutorial ahead of the class. And try and force myself to be a good girl. Realised MEP concert would be over soon which is a good thing. But why must moe be so enthusiastic and hold two concerts in a day. Don't they realise how tiring it would be? And worst we have to miss lessons on friday. I know some people love missing lessons, but i don't want to miss out anymore. Shall return to school after that for MEP lessons. Imagine the fatigue and how to play for 2 concerts the next day?

Slept almost the whole day today. Get horrible nightmares. oh lord. Take me away. Please. Take it that i'm begging you. I'm tired. I want to go home...

you don't care anymore do you? i know its not your fault. but oh is that how you gonna punish me? please tell me no. please don't. don't give me a taste of my medicine i know how bitter it is. but oh fine. this is all my fault. what can i say? man are jerks who are unsincere and idiotic.

posted by mel @ 8:48 PM